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(no subject)

Apr. 21st, 2008 | 03:55 pm


You are a genius. You are the smartest human alive. And no one appreciates that fact more than you. Oh, how you've suffered for it — labeled a traitor, tortured by both the Cylons and the humans, put on trial, nearly lynched, stabbed, shot, strangled, cast out of human society. But hey: a whole harem of very fine women just adopted you as their personal messiah and man-of-the-house. So things are starting to look up.

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twisted agape

Aug. 20th, 2007 | 03:06 am

shallow ape
twisted tree
silly me
often dead
too well fed
over now
take my bow

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It's an odd thing

Aug. 20th, 2007 | 02:27 am

When you realize that the past cannot be shared, that it is yours alone, that you are experiencing the part of yourself that is already dead, already written in stone, immutable, finished. I am not sure how many people have the distinct honor of knowing their own death in this life time, not just knowing their own death, but knowing they know it, and being able to love it. Our roots reach down to Hades even as our dreams seek the Firmament. I suppose when we finally die, is when our hope dies, and I don't mean this is a cynical sort of way, in the sense that life has beaten you down to where you can no longer function. I mean this in that, there comes a point where you cannot hope for greater than what you have already achieved, and you know it, but not only that you have no more desire for greater, you've had enough, it could be that your heart is full or that it is empty, but at a certain point you decide, well, that's that, I'll have a few more experiences, but I've passed the climax, it's time to smoke a cigarette and go to sleep.

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(no subject)

Aug. 20th, 2007 | 01:19 am


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Tagged for 7 Songs

Jun. 19th, 2007 | 06:28 pm

I was tagged by noctolator

List seven songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LiveJournal along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1: Download - Suni C
2: X-Dream - The 1st
3: Professor Meat - Lowdown Hoedown
4: Radiohead Lullaby's - Karma Police
5: Ramasutra - Daisy
6: Amon Tobin - Esther's
7: Skinny Puppy - I'mmortal

I tag:

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Rudy Giuliani on the derangement of Ferret owners.

Jun. 18th, 2007 | 04:39 pm


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Larry Flynt outlived Jerry Falwell!

May. 15th, 2007 | 02:53 pm


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Cheap Mac G4s

Apr. 10th, 2007 | 07:25 pm


A friend of mine is selling these.

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Bill Richardson on staring down Saddam Hussein among other things

Apr. 2nd, 2007 | 05:01 pm

"I'm not a rockstar, but I am the most qualified."

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Life and Death

Mar. 17th, 2007 | 06:03 pm

Beatrix is due any minute. Her due date is March 26th, and that is really a center point in a time period that spans 14 days in either direction. Her head is engaged, that means that it's already down within the pelvis, so it could be any day now.

And with that, tomorrow I have a funeral to go to. It is for an older man, one I've known for a couple of years. A really great guy who always had good advice, who seemed to pop up when it was relevant and he was needed. Last time I saw him was when I saw "Die Zauberflote" (The Magic Flute) at Lincoln Center. He was having trouble with what seemed to be congestion or reflux or something. This was about three weeks ago.

On Monday, I will be seeing a cadaver viewing as part of my Anatomy Curriculum.

In preparation for the birth of the baby, I have been allowing old parts of me to die. It has not even been frightening, but more of a relief than anything. I am letting go of some of my more egomaniacal tendencies in preparation for what will be a greater level of responsibility to someone other than myself.

With the death of my friend, I find a newer sense of how I deal with death. I have always been far more equipped to deal with death than most people I know, owing to the fact that I saw my Mother die when I was 4 years old. It however on the other hand gave me a sort of locked chamber inside which some of my feelings on death were held. So in dealing with other people's deaths, I didn't know whether I was feeling the whole range of that emotion. I feel that to a large degree, I have released much of that emotion from its cage and am now in greater contact with my emotion, and I find that with death, I am still rather calm and ok with it. The only person for whom the idea of death sends me into a panic is Caitlin. I do not know how my Father managed to bring me up in lieu of the death of my Mother, but I do know, he didn't handle it very well.

With everything in my life about to change, I look back and see how much of my young adult life was an attempt to prepare myself to deal with trauma, to acknowledge trauma and see it from all different angles. I was wrestling with the demon of my Mother's death by the heart condition that I also have. This led to pretty heavy amounts of drug use, which led to heavy amounts of moralizing from many different directions. And yet, none of the moralizers ever had an answer for me, they never handed me a key to open the door I wanted to open.

In all of my life I wanted nothing more than a mentor, someone who could guide me and help me learn something, I knew not what. When my Mother died, in a sense, so did my Father. I never felt like I had anyone I could go to when seeking information, particularly since my biggest problem in life was my relationship to my step-Mother. My Father out of his fear of loss stated in clear and uncertain terms that he was on her side, not mine, no matter what level of abuse was levelled at me. As he would say, "You'll move out when you are 18, she will still be with me.", and it is that sentence more than anything that keeps me at a remove from my parents, without much sense of responsibility to them, though our relationship is decent now.

My goal up until this point has been to wear my rage openly, to not internalize it so it becomes festering and foundational, so as not to treat my children with that rage, in the way my Father who does not address his emotions, did. While, I still know the rage, it is the helpless apoplexy of my ego that is dying. It is the blame at others, and maybe even someday my Father, that I am learning to put into perspective, the attempt being not to expect people to be at some superhuman level of awareness where they can be in full control or impart some crucial wisdom to me.

I have always had to be my own mentor, and now, I am ok with that. I hope that the grace of Fatherhood will temper my soul, that I may be kinder to all, that I may be the mentor to my Daughter that my Father was not to me.

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